Not "Perfect" but "Authentic" - Joseph Green

Joseph is a married man in his late fifties.  He recently completed his Masters in Theology and now has the luxury of enjoying time with his wife, traveling, reading, and watching college sports when not working.

Like so many other men with same-sex attraction, I too had a father that was emotionally absent in my life.  I also had a mother who insisted we portray ourselves as the perfect family.  I have two older siblings but they were already out of the house by the time I was 6 years old.  And I hated attending church. 

To read his full story click on the "Read More" button below.​

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We were a Protestant family and attended a church several miles away.  It was in a wealthy neighborhood and the congregation was well-to-do professional people.  My father made a good living but we were “out of our league” so to speak.  And to me, everyone there was “perfect”. 

​There were always announcements from the pulpit about the various accomplishments of members of the congregation.  The environment was more of a social gathering at a country club rather than a worship service.  Please understand I am not condemning this Protestant church or any other church.  I am only telling my perspective of a little boy - a little boy who knew that he was not “perfect”. He was flawed in a horrible way and he was certain no one else was like him. 

I began to doubt that God existed. I also reasoned that if there was a God, he hated me.  I began to beg with my parents every Sunday morning to stay home and by the time I was a teenager, I was no longer made to attend church. I was rebelling against God and it felt good to have won this battle.  It was years later that I would return to church.

Although I am attracted to men, I fell in love with a girl in high school.  She was my best friend and we spent as much time together as we could.  After graduation, I attended a college that was five hours away and it was during my freshman year that I knew I wanted to marry her.  The distance between us only strengthened our feelings for each other.  I had never told anyone about my secret side but I was convinced that I could push the feelings down and keep them suppressed forever. I craved to have the “normal” life and I wanted to conform to the notion of a “perfect” family as defined by my mother.

After we were married, we made the decision to attend a different denomination than either one of us had grown up in.  I wanted a church that made me feel good and uplifted- a church that made no demands.  Although my wife had no idea about my sexual identity, she seemed to want the same kind of church.  She had grown up in a church that mostly believed that almost everyone was headed to Hell - certainly those folks that did not attend that particular church. We eventually had a son and things were good for the most part.  But I never felt “at home” in the church we attended or any that we visited.

I had suppressed my cravings to be with a man during all of these years and I was convinced I could go to my grave with my secret intact.  But something changed when my dad passed away.  I hit a brick wall emotionally, spiritually, and every other way. I realize now I was not grieving his passing away.  I was grieving the lost opportunity to have a relationship with him. 

When I was very little, I can remember my dad being affectionate with me.  I truly felt his love for me.  But by the time I was 8 or 9, the affection stopped completely.  In fact, there was a 180-degree change in his demeanor toward me.  It was probably around this time that he and my mom sensed that I was “different”. 

​When my mother was not around, my father found every opportunity to ridicule me in front of others.  He owned a small business with several employees and whenever I was around, he would tell me to do something that I had no idea how to do and he would belittle me brutally in front of his employees and they would laugh. I just could not understand his behavior but I believed that I deserved it.  We began to drift farther and farther apart.  When he died, I was in my forties and I did not know the man.

After his death, I began to drink heavily and I was angry.  The feelings of resentment toward him came boiling up to the surface in a violent way that I was not prepared for.  I also was completely lost spiritually.  The “feel good” church my wife and I attended did nothing to prepare me for a crisis such as this and I was now absolutely confused about what I believed about God and religion. 

And my old feelings of attraction toward men and the guilt associated with it came roaring back as well.  My world began to crumble around me and I slipped into a deep depression.  Looking back now, it is amazing that my wife stayed with me through all of this.  She begged me to tell her what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her for fear of losing her.

It was in the middle of all of this that I knew I had to convert to the Catholic faith.  I had felt a pull to the Church since I was in high school.  One of my friends was Catholic and his faith was inspiring to me.

Several months later, I was welcomed into the church and my wife joined a year later.  It was the best thing that ever happened to us.  There were so many times in my life that I can now see that God was nudging me in the right direction.  Coming into the Catholic Church was certainly one of those times.  I feel that one of the most helpful attributes of the faith is the acknowledgement that we are all sinners.  We are all broken and in need of God’s love and mercy.  I need a stronger word than “attribute’ because this is such a powerful position the church takes and it saved my life.

I finally came out to my wife and she has been a tremendous support.  And the sacrament of reconciliation is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced.  I stopped drinking and have a better hold on my life because I learned to let go.  This sounds conflicted but it’s not.  I have let go of blaming others for my sufferings.  I have let go of bitterness and I have let go of trying to always feel in control.

I read a lot about living an “authentic” life and please understand that I still have challenges and struggles.  But there are some who believe that in order to live authentically, they must act on their sexual desires.  I do not try to tell others what the definition of authentic living is, but for me, it is a different way of living. 

For me, as a married man with SSA, I accept that my sexuality is a small part of who I am but that if it could be removed,  I now know I would be a very different person- perhaps not as compassionate, perhaps not as caring.  I accept myself now in a way that is refreshing. 

I do not feel guilt if I happen to notice a handsome man but rather accept that this is natural for me.  But I cannot allow myself to act on these feelings.  My vocation that God has presented to me is that of a dutiful husband and a father.

​That is my authentic life.